Auditions For Mamoru
by Suzu Nyanko
Summary: A fic in which Chibi Usa and Usagi have to get a replacement for Mamoru!


USAGI: Hmmmmph! Chibi Usa you little brat! Give me back my Mamo-chan!!!!!!! (tugging on her "Mamo-chan's" arm)  
CHIBI USA: NO!!!!!!! He's just as much mine as yours! So there! (sticks out tongue)  
USAGI: (sticks out tongue)  
MAMO CH- I mean MAMORU: (exhasperated) GIRLS!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!  
(Both stop)  
MAMORU: You stupid dingbats! You're both a couple of meatballheads! Get it through your THICK SKULLS I DO NOT BELONG TO EITHER OF YOU!!!!! JUST BECAUSE I AM THE TOKEN MALE OF THIS SERIES DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN CONTROL ME!!!!!! I AM MY OWN MAN!!!!!!  
(Mamoru's agent walks in)  
MAMORU'S AGENT: Technically, you belong to Toei animation.  
MAMORU: (frowns) Really? What about them?  
MAMORU'S AGENT: No, they own themselves. They bought their freedom from Naoko Takeuchi a few years back.  
MAMORU: How?  
MAMORU'S AGENT: With money from their products of course. EVERYONE LOVES THE SENSHI OF THE MOON ITEMS!!!!!  
MAMORU: What about my merchandise?  
MAMORU'S AGENT (nervously) Uhhh, I'll get you back to you on that…. (runs away)  
MAMORU: WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR ANYWAY?! (waves fist)  
(Usagi and Chibi Usa glare at Mamoru, he turns around)  
MAMORU: Eh? Why are you looking at me that way for?  
USAGI: Why did you say that mean stuff about us for?  
MAMORU: That's a stupid question.  
CHIBI USA: And why would that be?  
MAMORU: BECAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH!!!!!!  
USAGI: (all mightily pissed) WHY YOU LITTLE- (reclaims her dignity) I will not get mad.  
MAMORU: You won't?  
CHIBI USA: Can I?  
USAGI: No. We will not get mad. We will GET EVEN!!!!!  
CHIBI USA: I like! I like!  
USAGI: Mamo chan! Next time you die I will not bring you back!!!  
MAMORU: WHA?! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I DIE LIKE EVER- (dies of a fatal heart-attack)  
USAGI: MAMO CHAN?! MAMO CHAN?! (looks around for Chibi Usa) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! CHIBI USA HAS BEEN CUT OUT OF EXISTENCE FOREVER AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!!! (Has idea) I know! All I have to do is revive Mamo chan and Chibi Usa will come back too! (Brings out Silver Crystal) (Uses it to revive Mamoru, then dies from using too much strength) (Mamoru wakes up and sees Usagi dead.)  
MAMORU: NOOOO! I MUST USE MY LIFE FORCE TO SAVE HER!!!!! (Uses his life force and revives her, only to die because…well, he has no life force!) (Usagi sees Mamoru dead)  
USAGI: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll revive him with the crystal! (Revives him, then Usagi dies) (Mamoru wakes up)  
MAMORU: NO!!!!!!!! I'll revive her with my Life Force! (She lives, he dies)  
USAGI: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll use the crystal! (she dies, he lives etc. etc. etc.)  
(It went on like that for an hour or two before Chibi Usa brought Pluto to the site of the deranged Romeo and Juliet death and rebirth scene.)  
CHIBI USA: See? I told you it was funny!  
PLUTO: Quite!  
(The two kept dying and reviving, dying and reviving for a while longer.)  
CHIBI USA: Okay, it isn't funny any more, it's just creepy.  
PLUTO: I agree. I think we should stop them.  
CHIBI USA: But how do we do that?  
PLUTO: By destroying one of the bodies for good!  
CHIBI USA: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (maniacal laughter) But who do we destroy?  
PLUTO: Quite elementary my dear Chibi Usa. Hmm….Let me think. (Inside Pluto's head: Well, if I destroy Sailor Moon…hehehe….I will undoubtedly become Mamoru's wife and Chibi Usa will be our love child. On second thought, if I destroy Mamoru, Sailor Moon will become utterly destressed and fall into a deep state of depression. I can watch her suffer and suffer and SUFFER!!!!!! AHAHAHA!!!!)  
PLUTO: Well, let's destroy Mamoru.  
CHIBI USA: Okay, but how did you come to that conclusion.  
PLUTO: Oh, I haven't the faintest idea…  
(Mamoru revived Usagi once more and as Usagi was about to use the crystal, Pluto brought her big ass rod on the top of Usagi's skull, rendering her unconscious.)  
PLUTO: NOW CHIBI USA!!!!!!  
CHIBI USA: OKAY! LUNA P KITTY MAGIC!!!!!!! GIVE ME A FLAME-THROWER!!!!! (Chibi Usa used her flame-thrower to turn Mamoru into a pile of cinders) (Once Usagi regained conciousness she looked to Chibi Usa and Pluto)  
USAGI: Wha-What happened? Where's my Mamo chan?  
PLUTO: Uhhh…..  
CHIBI USA: (In a sing-songy voice) Daddy is blowin' in the wind.  
USAGI: Oooooooookkkkaaaayyyyyyyy.  
PLUTO: So, wait! If Chibi Usa is still here then that means Mamoru wasn't her real father.  
CHIBI USA: What?! Usagi………….  
USAGI: Uh……I'll tell you when you're older. (At that exact moment Seiya walked by and looked to Usagi.)  
SEIYA: Hi Odongo! (To Chibi Usa) Hi my little Pumpkin!  
CHIBI USA: (Shocked) WHAT!? YOU MEAN THAT HOCKEY PUCK IS MY FATHER!!!!!???????  
SEIYA: (In a breathy voice) Chhh….chh…..Chibi Usa….chhh…chhhhh…..I am your father.  
CHIBI USA: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! (Then Seiya chopped off Chibi Usa's hand)  
CHIBI USA: OOWWOWOWOWOW!!!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?  
SEIYA: It seemed like the right thing to do….  
PLUTO: Don't worry Chibi Usa, I'll just go back in time and destroy one of Seiya's parents and he'll never be able to chop off your hand and Mamoru will be your father!  
SEIYA: Pluto, let me set your rod for you.  
PLUTO: My, what a courteous thing to do, seeing as how I'm going to snuff you out of existence in a few minutes time. (Hands him the rod)  
SEIYA: (sets rod and hands it back to Pluto) Don't mention it.  
PLUTO: Well, I'm off! See you later guys. Well, except you Seiya.  
SEIYA: Okay! You take care now. Hehehehehe.  
PLUTO: Bye! (Uses Garnet Rod) (Pluto, lying in a ditch with her rod a few feet away in Ancient Japan)  
PLUTO: THAT LITLE BACK-STABBING- (A horse drawn carriage ran over her rod and snapped it in two.)  
PLUTO: NOOOO!!!!!!!! NOW I'M STUCK HERE FOREVER!!!!!!! (Then a small, fat, bald man walked over to Pluto)  
BALD MAN: Scantily clad woman, I am the emperor of all of Japan.  
PLUTO: yeah, uh, good for you, I'm getting the hell out of here!  
EMPEROR: No, you are not. (Two armed guards grab Pluto by both arms) You will make a fine concubine. (NOTE: For all of you who are lucky enough to not know what a concubine is, trust me, you do not want to be one to a small, fat, bald man. And if you do, may god take mercy on your wacked soul)  
PLUTO: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
(Scene switches to Chibi Usa and Usagi)  
CHIBI USA: Well, now that Mamo chan is gone, I guess we'll have to find a replacement.  
USAGI: I KNOW!!! We can hold auditions!  
CHIBI USA: Okay! Let's go round up the guys!  
(Both come back with Lots o' guys)  
USAGI: Alright! Let's get started! The first one is….Saffiru?! Black Moon Clan Saffiru?!  
(Saffiru leaps in)  
SAFFIRU: The one and only! Actually, I am a carbon copy of many anime characters combined to create one super anime character! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
CHIBI USA: So, how will you prepare for your role?  
SAFFIRU: Silly little child! I will use my knowledge of all anime characters to impersonate this so called Mamoru Chiba! I am Saffiru, THE TWIN OF MANY PEOPLE!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
USAGI: I'm sorry, Mamoru never endulged in maniacal laughter, despite it's stress relieving qualities.  
SAFFIRU: WHAT?! No maniacal laughter? No wonder he quit. (Saffiru marches off, terrified at the prospect of not being able to laugh maniacally whenever he pleased.)  
USAGI: NEXT!  
CHIBI USA: Next is Ail. THE MAKAIJU TREE AIL!?  
(Ail frolics in)  
AIL: You were expecting someone else?  
USAGI: But, you're green.  
AIL: (sobbing) WAHHHH!!!!!!! All people judge me on green skin! But I wish to live in a world where you are not judged on the color of your skin but the contents of your SOUL!  
USAGI: Uh, that sounds slightly frmiliar….  
AIL: I'm a good person, if you would look past my foreboding exterior.  
USAGI: YOU TRIED TO DRAIN THE WORLD OF IT'S ENERGY!!!!  
AIL: No, I was simply feeding my house plant.  
USAGI: GET OUT!  
AIL: Fine. (leaves) (Chibi Usa picks up Ail's script)  
CHIBI USA: HEY! JOLLY GREEN GIANT! YOU FORGOT YOUR SCRIPT!  
AIL: Keep it ya little pink vulture!  
CHIBI USA: (angrily) OH HULK! COME TELL ME THAT TO MY FACE YOU LITLE -censored-PIECE OF*-censored-SICK PLANT-censored-MAMA'S BOY!  
USAGI: (blink blink) CHIBI USA?!  
CHIBI USA: Uhh……NEXT!  
USAGI: Next on the list is Nameless Old Fire-Summoning Codger. What?  
OLD DUDE: I am here to except my rrrrrrrrrrrrrrole as Mamorrrrrrrrrru Chiba.  
CHIBI USA: Well, first, what's your real name?  
OLD DUDE: There are some who call me……Tim?  
USAGI: Tim?  
CHIBI USA: Beat it old guy or I'll break your hip!  
TIM: Ooooooh! It's a killerrrrrrr rrrrrrrabbit!  
USAGI: (bears teeth) YEP! And ya better get out of here before we decide to have old man stew!  
TIM: Fine! (summons fire and disappears in a blaze of glory)  
USAGI: NEXT!  
CHIBI USA: The next name on the list in Tenchi Masaki.  
(Tenchi stumbles through)  
TENCHI: -hic- Actually (wobble) my name is Tenchi More Sake!-hic-  
CHIBI USA: Riiiiiiiiiiigghhhttt….(If Dr Evil could see her now)  
TENCHI: -hic- CRAZY GIRLS! (throws bottle of sake at Usagi)  
USAGI: THAT'S IT!!!!!! CHOMP CHOMP! (bites Tenchi More Sake's" head off)  
CHIBI USA: NEXT!!!!!  
USAGI: Next is….Akane Tendo?!  
(Akane springs in)  
AKANE: Alright! I'm here!  
CHIBI USA: You do know this is a male's role, don't you?  
AKANE: It is? Coulda fooled me. (Walks off disappointed)  
USAGI: NEXT!  
CHIBI USA: Next on the list is Prince DEMANDO!?  
(Demando teleports in in a flash of golden light)  
USAGI: What is it with men and making entrances?  
DEMANDO: I have come to be the love of your life, my Serenity.  
CHIBI USA: Well, what will you do in the role of Mamoru?  
DEMANDO: I will stare longingly at Serenity through my wine glass.  
CHIBI USA: Technically, it's a brandy glass.  
USAGI: Chibi Usa, when did you become the liquor enthousiest?  
CHIBE USA: (chugging an "amber liquid") GET OFFA MY BACK WOMAN!  
USAGI: Okay. Well, Demando, Mamoru doesn't drink.  
DEMANDO: No wine? Screw this! (teleports away)  
CHIBI USA: -hic-NeeeeeXXXxxxxTTtttt!  
USAGI: Next is Rubeus. This should be interesting.  
(Rubeus prances in wearing a tuxedo, minus the jacket)  
RUBEUS: I am here!  
USAGI: You have to wear the jacket.  
RUBEUS: I do? Ah man, I quit. (Chibi Usa hands Rubeus a flask and they both start to sing the theme to Friends)  
USAGI: I'm afraid to see who's next.  
(Haruka bolts in)  
HARUKA: I'm perfect for the role!  
USAGI; You're a woman!  
HARUKA: Well, if you're going to be sexist about it…  
USAGI: Fine, so what could you provide for the show?  
HARUKA: To be homest, not much. But I can provide you with the sweetest loving you'll ever have. GGGGGGRRRRRRROOOWWWWWLLLLL!!!!!!!  
(Michiru walks in carrying a violin with a very upset look on her face)  
MICHIRU: (slams violin down on Haruka's head) We'll be leaving now. (drags Haruka away)  
USAGI: (looks to the drunken Chibi Usa and Rubeus) Pathetic. NEXT!  
RUBEUS & CHIBI USA: (terribly off key) I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU…. (Then the drunken duo pass out)  
USAGI: Melvin?!  
(Melvin jumps in)  
MELVIN: I am Tuxedo Melvin! I will ward off evil with these coconut shrimp! They'll sting eyes and protect you, my darling Usagi!  
USAGI: Uh, the position has been filled! Buh bye! (throws Melvin out)  
USAGI: Uuuggghhhhh. Last one. Art-ARTEMIS?!  
(Human Artemis strolls in)  
USAGI: (hearts for eyes) You're hot!  
ARTEMIS: Usagi, you're the gal for me, Luna was just too uptight!  
USAGI: (nods) Uh-huh!  
(Chibi Usa wakes up just in time to fade out of existence just to be replaced by a blonde, human Diana)  
DIANA: Meow!  
  
NARRATOR: Artemis and Usagi were married in a small chapel in Las Vegas that summer. They now live in Ukraine and currently have seventeen kitt- I mean children. Rubeus now owns his own bar outside of Pheonix, Arizona. He is now single and desperately needs a woman. Seiya professionally interior decorates on his own day-time television show called "This Gay House." Pluto was permanently stranded in ancient Japan and murdered the emperor and usurped the throne. Haruka was last seen in Disney Land stalking Goofy and was then repeatedly beaten by security as on-lookers cheered. Tenchi More Sake can be found running naked on a Greecian beach. Ail now resides in South Park and cleans up after Mr Hankey. And the rest lived happily ever after.   
THE END  
  
  
  
  



End file.
